HB Field
Self-regulation — the ability to manage emotions, attention, and behavior — is often described as a key developmental milestone. For many neurodivergent children, including those with autism spectrum disorder (ASD), achieving consistent self-regulation is a journey, not a quick destination.
What often gets overlooked is that before children can learn to regulate independently, they must first learn through co-regulation — the supportive, attuned interaction with a calm, regulated adult.
“Children do not learn to regulate from being regulated; they learn to regulate from being co-regulated.”
This simple truth shifts the focus from expecting immediate independence to nurturing foundational skills through secure relational support.
Co-regulation refers to the dynamic process in which a caregiver or adult supports a child’s emotional and physiological state through:
(Tronick, 2007)
This process allows a child to externalize regulation with another person before gradually internalizing those skills.
In contrast to independent self-regulation, co-regulation recognizes that young children — especially neurodivergent ones — rely on relational support to navigate stressful states.
Research shows that co-regulated interactions strengthen neural pathways associated with emotional and behavioral regulation (Schore, 2001; Porges, 2011).
Many children with:
may experience dysregulation more frequently or more intensely than their peers.
Expecting a child to independently “pull themselves together” without providing emotional and physiological scaffolding is developmentally unrealistic.
Developmental expert Dr. Becky Kennedy emphasizes that co-regulation is not “spoiling” a child but rather supporting the nervous system’s development:
“Children are born wired for connection, and it is through that connection that they learn to regulate themselves.”
When caregivers model calm, respond predictably, and help children shift out of high-arousal states, they are not removing autonomy — they are building the capacity for it.
Below are evidence-based co-regulation strategies caregivers and ABA providers can use during interactions.
Reflect the child’s emotional state before guiding them toward calm.
Example:
“I see you’re really upset right now. That feels big.”
This validates emotional experience, supports neural integration, and reduces heightened arousal (Siegel & Bryson, 2011).
Slow rhythmic breathing together (e.g., “breathe in for 4, out for 4”) can activate the parasympathetic nervous system, helping the body return to a calm state (Porges, 2011).
Movement can also help regulate the nervous system, including:
When appropriate and welcomed, a caregiver’s presence — even without words — can provide powerful co-regulatory support.
Proximity helps:
Using familiar phrases or routines during transitions creates predictability and emotional safety.
Predictability supports regulation and helps reduce anxiety (Rutter, 2017).
Tools such as:
can be helpful when used within a supportive interaction, rather than simply being given to the child without connection.
This helps children link self-soothing with relational support.
Expecting independent self-regulation too early can lead to frustration and escalation.
Self-regulation tends to emerge after many successful experiences of co-regulation.
Signs a child may be ready to begin moving toward independent regulation include:
Even as self-regulation develops, co-regulation remains helpful.
Think of co-regulation as training wheels — guiding and stabilizing while the skill develops.
Applied Behavior Analysis (ABA) has traditionally focused on observable behavior and skill acquisition.
Integrating co-regulation into ABA practice strengthens intervention by:
Research shows that when caregivers are coached in responsive and attuned interactions, children demonstrate:
(Feldman, 2015; Bagner & Graziano, 2013)
Co-regulation is not a detour from teaching self-regulation — it is the pathway to it.
Children learn most effectively through warm, responsive, and predictable relationships that allow their nervous systems to feel safe enough to explore, practice, and grow.
As Dr. Becky Kennedy reminds us:
“Regulation is not something you teach. It is something you do with someone.”
ABA providers and families who co-regulate with children create the environment where children can eventually:
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